It has been 21 months since my sweet guy left this earth to sing with the heavenly choir. So it has been 21 months for me to adjust to life without him, right? I am finding out the grieving process is never ending. There are very few days when tears don’t flow over something that triggers them. Yesterday, I went to a doctor’s appointment in the same building where I took Jerry so many times during those 22 months. Tears flowed as I entered the building. I passed a cemetery this afternoon and was reminded me of so many who have passed away–not just my sweet guy. I gave a talk on caregiving at church last Saturday which caused many tears in preparation just thinking about our lives together during that time. When I get in the car to go somewhere, the passenger seat is empty! The triggers are and will be never ending.
And yes, I have a boyfriend who is very sweet and great to hang out with on a regular basis. We enjoy each other’s company very much and talk about our spouses openly. His wife died in the same calendar year as Jerry but 10 months earlier. We understand each other. We are not trying to replace our spouses but to move forward with our grief and keep living. We serve others at church together, entertain together, go to the theater, concerts, out to dinner, and just sit together and hold hands. It is great, and I am very thankful I have him in my life. But the grieving continues, and I think it always will.
Psalm 27:1, 13-14 – ” 1 The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid? 13 I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. 14 Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.”
The Lord has been so good to me through all this. Even though the tears flow, he is still with me each day helping me through the tears, giving me sweet memories of our 50 years together. Waiting on the Lord has never been my strong suit, but I know He has only the best in mind for me. I only need to live today and enjoy today. The past is behind me and the future is not here yet.
Today I am thankful for:
- Time with David–it is Tuesday and grandsons are great.
- Wonderful rain last night to refresh my garden.
- Beautiful sun peaking through the clouds this morning.
- Lunch with Granny Annie, my traveling partner to Israel/Egypt last March.
- Dinner with a good friend from church this evening.
- A gathering planned for the international students next week at my boyfriend’s house.
- Attending Fiddler on the Roof this Thursday. It will be great but also cause for many tears when they sing certain songs that Jerry sang so well.
- A widows/widowers banquet at church this Sunday evening.
- The peace I enjoy in the present.
- God being the stronghold of my life.
The grief starts as soon as you realize the end is coming rather than will come sometime in the future. Your encouragement and openness about how grief affects you helps me through each day. Thank you.
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